Eight Things Your Child Will Never Tell You (Because Nonni Swore Him to Silence)

What an image-buster it is to have dreams of being Grandma. Have I really been alive THAT long? 😉

In the interest of pre-planning, I’ve been forming some nebulous thoughts. Just so I’m not caught off guard! What, exactly, would I like my grandchildren to know?

1.  Your father was naughtier than you. Way. Yes, I’m sure; I (barely) lived through it. The good news:  so did he. I have promised myself “revenge” by filling your head with nifty, sweet ideas! Along the lines of:  jumping on the new furniture; waiting until your parents are halfway between nowhere and their destination before alerting them that you have to Go…now, not later; finger painting on your bedroom walls with your new favorite color – coal mine black; giving the dog a haircut; digging a giant hole in the overgrown lawn and not telling Mommy until after she breaks her ankle; storing an extra slice of pizza under your bed to snack on – for the following week; decluttering the cake keeper  and denying it was you. When confronted with a mirror and your chocolate cake-crumb face, claim it was the raisins.

2.  Time outs are good for you. They help you grow big and strong (because Nonni won’t stunt your growth with corporal punishment. She is the major, and that outranks any ole corporal, anyway).

3.  Giving you TWO cookies is just instilling respect for family tradition and multi generational touchstoning (my Grandma started it).

4.  Humor Nonni. Pretend to pay attention when I’m trying to amuse you with those antique, outdated, dusty, musty tomes with which I have lined all those many shelves dedicated just to you. Never mind the feng shui lecture, please. Similarly, refrain from doing a comparison between my VHS tapes and the holograms you not only view, but know how to create/load/run/repair. Never hide my profuse collection of “Universal Remotes”. I think grandkids perhaps are in danger of Judgment for such malice.

5.  Nautre (aka mud) is best enjoyed when brought indoors. So you can share the magic with everyone. This is most magical immediately after Mommy has mopped the floor. Really. It will bring tears to her eyes with its touchingness.

6.  Memorize nursery rhymes. They’re silly, laughable little poems and that is the extent of their usefulness. I promise that the odds are very, very slim that if Nonni asks you to fetch a pail of water (even if up a little hill), you will fall down and break your crown. This is entirely avoidable: simply remove your crown (that Nonni spent innumerable hours in creating just the one-of-a-kind for you) before you ever pick up a pail.

7.  Express your feelings. Use your words. Ask questions – they’re how we learn best. The optimal time to do this would be just as Daddy lies down for a nap. Remember to challenge Daddy’s encyclopedic mind by following each of his answers with, “Why?”

8.  Not sure if this really is just an “urban legend,” but just in case:  When Nonni is taking you to Canada for an educational, international excursion, never, ever, never, scream, “I don’t know this lady!!” when the nice border-crossing guard/arresting officer asks you who I am.

I have a feeling Daddy would be in no hurry to spring me.


~ by saginawrobin on February 20, 2013.

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