WordPress and Me: just a friendly little conversation

I swear, it really happened like this!

Me: Can’t remember password.
WP: Can’t grant access.
Me: Let’s take the long way home.
WP: You’re hilarious! But, no.
Me: Change password?
WP: Say please.
Me: To a computer program?
WP: Don’t know ’bout you, but I have all day…
Me: Fine, please.
WP: Try again, minus sarcasm.
Me: Please? (Making frustrated hand gestures)
WP: Do you call yourself a writer? Please use a complete sentence.
Me: Please, may I change my password? (Throttling gesture)
WP: Perhaps you may. Do you feel lucky?
Me: Not at all.
WP: I thought not.
Me: Did I just detect sarcasm?
WP: Session timed out.
Me: I don’t believe this!

Take II

Me: I’m back. Still have no access.
WP: What’s the problem?
Me: (Slapping forehead) I forgot my password.
WP: Why would you do that?
Me: Good question!
WP: Of course!
Me: May I change the password, pretty please?
WP: Sure. Open your account and choose the Change Password link.
Me: Since I cannot ACCESS my account, how will I choose the link?
WP: Please follow our directions, specifically.
Me: Okay. I will need to rephrase. I am locked out of my account because I cannot recall the password; therefore, I cannot use any links within the account, as I am unable to enter said account.
WP: That sounds unfortunate.
Me: Indeed, it is quite so.
WP: How may we help you?
Me: (Face turning red) I should like to very humbly request another chance to restore access to my account, please? And thank you, in advance.
WP: Your session has timed out.

Take III

Me: Hello! It’s Rob – again!
WP: How may we help you?
Me: Are you able to guess?
WP: No. Computer programs rely solely on proven, infallible data.
Me: (Thinking: Give me a break!) Why do I fail to achieve access to my account, being unable to recall my password?
WP: We do not respond to questions of ‘why’.
Me: Why not?
WP: We do not respond…
Me: (Quickly interrupting) I voluntarily rephrase: For what reason do you not reply to ‘why’ questions?
WP: Why is not logical. There are too many variables contained within ‘why’.
Me: May I simply start over?
WP: If necessary. Computer-generated sigh.
Me: What is the step-by-step process to recover a locked account due to forgotten password – keeping in mind that I cannot follow the link on the left side of the page, as I do not recall the password, resulting in not being able to use the aforementioned link?
WP: Could you be more specific?
Me: Impossible! By the way, aren’t you late in timing out my session?
WP: In three…two…one…

Take IV

Me: Look, it’s nearly bedtime. Could we move it along?
WP: We are stationary programs, incapable of moving ‘it’. Whatever ‘it’ actually is.
Me: Please, Mr. Unlocking Access WP Computer Program, would you mind, terribly, instructing this mentally challenged password forgetter regarding regaining access to my account?
WP: No problem! There is a secondary path to access.
Me: Wonderful! Please continue in this secondary instruction.
WP: Open WordPress home page.
Me: Done.
WP: Type user name and password.
Me: I remember my user name…
WP: Fantastic! Now, type your password.
Me: Therein lies the problem…
WP: Problem?
Me: My last password somehow escapes me.
WP: Is this Rob?
Me: Affirmative. Have you missed me?
WP: Negative on the emotion.
Me: Since we now have moved far beyond the mere acquaintance relationship – oops! I’ll wager you are incapable of a relationship. Too disgustingly human.
WP: You just may be catching on. Oops, your session, once again you silly goose, has timed out.

Take V

Me: Pretty please with a cherry on top, instruct me regarding regaining access to my account of four years plus. While I remain young enough to recall my name, user name, date of birth…
WP: Stop. Enough detail. There are fifteen people holding in the queue.
Me: What advice can you dispense?
WP: I assume you tried the link?
Me: You assume correctly. Please restore my WP Kingdom of Unimportant Ramblings.
WP: For our memory-challenged, elderly folk, we have a…
Me: Secondary path! That’s exactly what I want!
WP: We are able to send a code to the email of record.
Me: I earnestly request same. With extra awe and humility.
WP: It has been sent. It may take several minutes to reach your inbox.
Me: That will be no trouble, at all. Oh, I just received the notification. I’m double checking the numbers…entering the code…it’s telling me that’s an invalid code!
WP: You entered an error.
Me: Begging your pardon, but no. I double checked the numbers before typing.
WP: We will resend a new code. Have you taken your blood pressure medication yet today?
Me: Heretofore, I have not required any.
WP: Just checking. Your second code should be waiting.
Me: Yes, I have it. I’m double checking. Now I’m triple checking. Here goes…message says invalid code! HOW (Notice I’m NOT asking why!) is that even possible?!! It’s YOUR infallible, computer-generated code!
WP: Your other option is to use the link on the left hand side of home page.
Me: I refuse!!
WP: For what possible reason would you refuse?
Me: Because your session has timed out! At my election! (Closes website with entirely too much glee)


~ by saginawrobin on March 2, 2016.

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